I got pregnant one month after a meditation under the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacán.
I remember that meditation so clearly. I’d been carrying a lot of fear and doubt about becoming a mother. My mind had so much to say about it, but during that meditation, everything quieted down, and I could feel how much I wanted it. All my attention, my intent, was there.
I think what stayed with me was the feeling of allowing myself to want something fully. Giving myself a moment with that desire before worrying about everything that could happen.
I’ve been thinking about this as we get closer to the end of the year. My mind is already going through what I still need to finish, what didn’t happen, what I want to do next year. It’s easy to start a whole new to-do list.
Before I get too far into that, I want to ask myself: What am I ready to give life to?
Maybe there’s something you keep coming back to. An idea, a change you want to make, something you’d love to learn. Maybe you want to feel closer to your partner, have more time with your friends, or enjoy your days a little more.
And you might already know what it is. You think about it while you’re driving or bring it up in conversation. Then, almost in the same breath, you explain why you can’t:
I don’t have time. It’s too late for me. What would people think? I should be focusing on other things.
We can get very good at talking ourselves out of what we want. Sometimes we’ve been doing it for so long that we barely notice anymore.
This is something we explore in Toltec wisdom: the agreements we’ve made about who we are and what’s possible for us. Through domestication, we learn what gets us approval and what helps us fit in. We pick up ideas about what a good mother does, what success looks like, what we’re allowed to want.
We carry those ideas into our decisions. We might feel selfish taking time for ourselves or embarrassed to try something we aren’t good at yet. We might keep doing something because people expect it, even when we’re ready for a change.
Awareness begins when we catch ourselves doing this. When we hear “I could never do that” and pause long enough to ask, “Why do I believe that? Where did I learn it?”
I come back to these questions myself. Being familiar with the teachings means I have something to practice when I notice an old agreement making a decision for me.
Teotihuacán has been a place where I can give that practice my attention. Away from my usual routines, I have time to see what’s been going on with me. What I’m worrying about. Where my energy is going. What I’ve been putting off.
Sometimes I realize I’m still trying to follow through on a plan I’ve outgrown. Other times, I remember something I care about that’s gotten lost in everything else I’ve been doing.
That feels worth making time for as we enter a new year. We carry so much forward automatically. Expectations, commitments, ideas we had about how our lives would look by now. I want to check in with myself before I sign up for another year of it all.
What still feels right? What am I ready to let go of? What do I want to give more attention to?
For me, this is where intent becomes a daily practice. If I say something matters to me, how am I making room for it? Maybe I need to put time on the calendar, ask for help, or have a conversation I’ve been avoiding. Maybe I need to let myself be a beginner.
I can feel clear about what I want and still have doubts. I can take a step and see what I learn.
So before the year ends, give yourself a little time with this question: What do I want to give life to?
You could take it on a walk or write about it over your morning coffee. See what comes up, and try to stay with it for a moment before you start explaining why it would be difficult.
What would it look like to give that desire some attention? What could you do this week?
This December, the Ruiz family will gather in Teotihuacán to close the year and welcome the next. We’ll spend time exploring the dream we’re living, the agreements we carry, and what we want to create moving forward.
If you’d like to join us, you can find out more about the journey here.
