Is Suffering An Option?

October 10th, 2014 by Gaya.
Certainly not…….when we don’t have the awareness to know there is a choice to be made in every experience.  That sounds really arduous to be vigilant in every experience; but this is exactly what it takes.  The world wars don’t hold a candle to the battle in the mind when one takes a stand to be free. The wars had a limited time period; but freedom demands a moment- to –moment lifetime commitment to awareness.  It may not be an easy path; but when it’s your time, it’s the best game in town and comes with immeasurable rewards. This is the story of my quest to find myself which culminated in September, 2012 when I experienced what I call “a Moment of Inspiration.”  Some of the things I relate may seem highly improbable; but in a world of infinite possibilites, what isn’t magical?
In the beginning of my journey, freedom to me meant moksha, last incarnation, and that was what I was going for. I was naïve enough to think that simply my desire would take me there.  Well, maybe that is one way to look at it.  As dreamers, manifesting our thoughts, if desire gets strong enough, it pulls everything in our lives toward fulfillment.  Or perhaps life is always coming at the perfect time and we’ll get there when we were always going to get there. Or maybe it’s both and all we have to do is remember to keep our hands open to its constant gifts.
 I had always been an avid seeker for as long as I can remember from early Catholic school days feeling Jesus in my heart after receiving Holy Communion, I wanted to be a nun.  My mom discouraged me saying the way I liked dancing and boys, I would never make it.  She was right.
In 1977 I did the est training, my first introduction to Intent and the power we have to manifest through 100% commitment in action.  In time my life changed so dramatically that I enrolled over 450 people into the training as an act of gratitude.
I consider Werner Erhard to be the first Spiritual teacher in my life and while he may not hold himself in this way, he awoke the fire of my Spirit which opened my heart to an awareness of the Self beyond what I had known.  I transformed from a victim to a generative force in my life. The realization that when we commit ourselves completely, without doubt, just about anything is possible.
 One day while washing dishes, I heard the voice of dreaming for the first time.  It  felt as if lightening ran through my body as I heard a very commanding voice say, “ buy a people business”. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I was going to buy a business and 3 days later I purchased a data processing employment agency with absolutely no experience in either data processing or running a business.  I can say it was either a tremendous act of faith or one of the craziest things I ever did. My staff and I learned a lot during that time as we were consciously playing with intent; but it was a stressful time as I owed a large amount having secured a loan for the purchase of the business.  We would each come up with a number of placements we could commit to on a daily, weekly and monthly basis and do our best to reach that number with amazing results.   We were playing and working hard and experiencing the joy of life when you do something just because you said you would.  We were living our lives at a level of integrity in business and with impeccability of our word. Life was rewarding us as our relationship with the power of our word developed.
A very funny thing was happening with my car.  It became very obvious that when I made a lot of money, something would go out on the car.  I had purchased a beautiful new Cadillac Seville for $25,000, that’s what they cost in the early 80’s, and within 18 months, just about everything on it had been replaced.  Finally someone wrote me a check for $1500 and towed it away.  I would joke that the car must be my body and represent my feelings of unworthiness about making so much money; but after some years and another couple of incidences, I realized that as impossible as it seems, the connection we have with matter that is seemingly not alive, exists.
My heart had begun to have bouts of irregular beats and in time developed into atrial fibrillation.  I had always enjoyed good health and I had never seen my mother or father ill so I didn’t believe in illness, thinking it was just a game of the mind and therefore, a matter of choice.  So now what was I to think of myself? This was a real blow to my ego and I remember feeling ashamed as I held it as a weakness and a punishment for having done something wrong.  And the worst of it was that my friends seemed to think the same!  I researched and sought every avenue of allopathic and alternative medicine to heal; but to no avail.  No reason for it could be explained.  The final analysis after extensive testing was that there was something in my heart that wanted to go very fast!  That desire to heal my heart has been the motor driving me to every teacher in my life so I have reframed it from a problem to a blessing.
One Saturday morning while putting on my gym clothes, I couldn’t see half of my body.  After receiving a clearance that I didn’t have a brain tumor, I decided it must be stress so I cut back more and more from the business shifting my attention to est enrollments, which is where my heart was, until one day, I gave the business to my sister and walked away. I loved being in the est center, sharing my experiences and doing enrollments; but my heart was reacting more and more to any level of stress and the est center was a high energy environment so I took another direction.
My next adventure was to build homes for sale in a new very posh area in San Diego.  I had purchased a set of tapes on buying properties with no money down and an idea came to me to secure a loan and use it as a down payment to build a house for speculation.  One day a realtor drove me to a beautiful 4 acre property that had been for sale but unsold for 5 years.  It was divided into two parcels being separated by a natural ravine. As we drove across a little bridge spanning the two sections and parked the car, I envisioned filling the ravine with water and having a waterfront property in the middle of Fairbanks Ranch.  In that moment, I was sure that this was a gift from Spirit and connected to an experience I had a couple of weeks before when riding on my stationary bike, a bright Light came to me and I surrendered my life saying, please use me as You will.  I told the realtor take me back to your office, I am going to buy this property and make a million dollars. I had no understanding why this was happening; but in retrospect, it was what gave me the financial and mental freedom to change my life.  From a computer rendering depicting a French castle with a guest cottage on the smaller plot, grapes hanging on vines on the embankment of the water with swimming swans, it sold from this picture at the highest price of any home ever sold in the ranch before we broke ground to begin construction.   Talk about magic!
Then came the experience of hearing the forceful Voice in my head for the second time, which I recognized as not mine, saying, “work with a Shaman”. I didn’t know what a Shaman was so I went to the only new age restaurant in San Diego that I knew, Kung Food, as I remembered alternative magazines were sold along with vegetarian food, a rarity in those days.  Sure enough, the Four Winds Foundation was advertising trips to Peru and Brazil led by Shamans.  I was terrified so I picked what I considered to be the lesser of two evils, Peru.  Immediately I began to prepare by asking my son each day to beat a drum while I lay on the floor attempting astral travel.  Something must have been working because twice upon awakening in the morning, there were large scratches running diagonally across my back.  I saw this as a sign of confirmation about this journey and since I was leaving no stone unturned to receive a healing on my heart, I didn’t let my fear stop me and signed up for the journey even though I knew the shaman would require me to take psychotropic drugs as part of their sacred ceremony.  I was concerned for my heart because it reacted to everything; but I returned from that journey with a new realization about myself.
At a very early age I had made a decision that I was weak in an emergency and couldn’t be counted on. I lived my life out of that story even marrying a doctor to be sure my children would be taken care of.  My cousin and I had been playing with matches and she caught on fire. We ran for help and I went into shock watching her being treated with injections. My parents told me I had made a mistake by running and I judged myself as weak for running and going into shock. I lived my life out of that decision made by a 5 year old child until that trip to Peru. It took courage for me to go on that trip and there were times I saw my bravery when others needed my help.  It dawned on me that there was really nothing wrong with me.
What I considered to be a heart problem was in fact what drew my attention within and became the catalyst for awakening.  With atrial fib, the heart beats very irradically and then stops.  So, I would wait to see if it was going to beat again.  The gift of it was that every time the heart paused, I would face the possibility of my death and in time, after so many practice sessions, I lost my fear of death. In addition to that gift, in searching for a healing, I met Mother Sarita who suggested I would like to study with her son, don Miguel.  This was the opening of a very important chapter in my life; finding the Shaman who would scramble everything that I thought was the truth about myself.
To be continued…
Gaya lives and works as a Life Guide in San Diego, California.  You can reach her by or her web: