Clearing the Smoke

Awareness is like that soft inner light that says, “Look, this is what’s happening right now.” When we notice where our mind, heart, and body are, without judging, without labeling as good or bad. The moment we step into this space is when we start having a choice. This is where our freedom begins.

I learned this on stage, of all places.

It was rehearsal time for our first Toltec Visions show. If you are not familiar with Toltec Visions, this is a group of friends who came together with Jossay/Don Jose Ruiz to explore our creativity through music and storytelling. So here we are, the night before our first show. There is no audience, no pressure from outside. It’s just us. Then it was my turn to be by myself on that stage. The theater went dark, and the spotlight came right on me. In that moment, something in me tightened. My chest got heavy, my breath turned shallow, my mind went off:

“What are you doing here? You don’t belong here. You’re not a performer. You’re going to mess this up. You don’t know how to do this. Everyone is going to notice your mistakes.”

It wasn’t one little thought; I went on a spiral of self-doubt and self-judgement. My body reacted as if I were standing in front of thousands of people, about to be exposed.

And then I noticed. Wait. Look around. The seats are empty. No one is here. No one is judging you. It’s you. You’re doing this to yourself. In this moment, it is all you.

That realization landed deep. How often do we shrink, stay small, don’t do something we want to do, or silence ourselves, not because the world is pointing a finger, but because we are?

In that moment, I saw that the smoke wasn’t outside. The enemy wasn’t the stage. It was the old agreements inside me, the Smokey Mirror clouding my truth.

And when I became aware, the smoke began to lift. I shifted the spiral into this: I was there, creating, expressing, alive. And that was enough.

I still felt the nervousness in my body, and the thoughts came and went. But now I knew that I had the power to put them on the side, and that it was up to me if I wanted to believe them and stay paralyzed, or push through and do something new that was going to bring me even more joy and exhilaration.

This is the gift of awareness. It clears the mirror. It shows us the truth that’s already there, in this case, that I was worthy, that I belong, and that I am enough.