Last January, I decided to get back into shape. One thing I had always enjoyed was running, so I put on my old sneakers and went for a run. I made it two thirds of a mile before I had to stop. I could feel my heart pounding and it took me some time to catch my breath. At that moment I had a choice: I could call myself a “lazy bum” and judge myself accordingly or I could realize that this was just my starting point. Perhaps being a bit stubborn, I said to myself, “This is where I am going to start. By the end of May I will be able to run five miles.”
And so started my running routine, and I was able to meet my goal even before the end of May. I was quite proud of myself. But like any person who gets wrapped up in work and family, I let go of my routine for a few months. When I did finally get back to the track, I was expecting to be able to run five miles again, because that was the mark of my achievement. I ran two. I felt the disappointment seep in, “How am I not be able to run five miles?”
I blamed circumstances and people for this, then got mad at myself for not keeping up with that ability. The judgment in the form of the expression “you lazy bum” filled my mind. I started to create a new plan for reaching my five-mile mark and staying there, deciding which other responsibilities could be set aside. At that moment I understood the danger of self-judgment.
I had unknowingly, or perhaps knowingly, placed my persona on a pedestal. I needed to run five miles in order to consider myself acceptable, to be perfect. This was just the latest of my needs, having created several expectations over the years of who I was supposed to be based on how I behave or look. Any expectation I didn’t meet, I judged myself, sometimes causing me to forget my own happiness in order to be someone I thought I needed to be or to do something I felt I was supposed to do. All these needs and my “supposed to” made me forget to enjoy life. READ MORE
Tags: don Miguel Ruiz Jr
Dear Don Miguel Jr.,
You and your father have helped me enormously and continue to do so through your writing. When I first read the four agreements I wasn’t ready to absorb what was said. And, even as concepts began to take hold I found myself wondering, why did DMR phrase certain concepts loosely or leave them open ended without certain clarifications that I thought might have driving his points home. For instance, I like to run for exercise and “doing my best” used to mean running until I was completely exhausted. Now I believe DMR phrased concepts loosely knowing that we would be able to define them for ourselves and customize them to fit our own needs. There is flexibility to the wording which allows us to draw our own insights and to enter belief structures of differning shapes. So, for example I ran for 1 hour one day and felt great. The following day I ran for 45 minutes and stopped. I did not feel the same level of energy I’d felt the day before. I could have however pushed myself to run for the whole hour Pushing myself to run for an hour as I had the day before would have been how I had defined “doing my best” before DMR. On this day however I did not feel the same level of energy and I had other things that needed doing after the run. My definition of “doing my best” changed after absorbing DMRs words. Had I run for an hour on this day I would likely have had sore muscles and this would have hindered the quality of other tasks that needed doing. Therefore for “doing my best” on a task no longer means I should allow this task to decrease the quality of other tasks that need doing. This would not be doing my best. I was actually more proud of the 45 minute run than of the 1 hour run because I’d given myself permission to stop. I did not judge myself for not pushing the run for another 15 minutes. I was able to keep going with my day without being sore and had respected by body by not injuring it. Before DMR I would have beaten myself up for not running longer. I would have defined “my best” by comparing today’s run with yesterdays which is of course a judgment, and I now know what our judgments do to all of us.
Thank you for everything,
Greg
Great blog. I like layout!!!!
All teachers on this site are fantastic, but I forgot include in my gratitude Don Jose’ Ruiz in my comment above a ways back. I appologize for this, knowing fully that you Don Jose’ are not in any need of my praise or recongition. I appologize regardless. That said your writing and video’s such as the one on friendship under media of this site are mindblowingly fantastic, very powerful-they wake you up.
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Don Miguel jr,
thank you, it reminds me to have kindness and compassion for myself and in the Beloved I see around me. To stop believing the lies of the Judge that covers over the truth that all is always well now in this moment and every moment.
With respect Jason.
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Funny I was discussing with a friend about this just the other day, we must share the same views. I hope it’s ok I added your site to a few of my bookmark lists?
Great summary, bookmarked the blog in hopes to read more!